B-I-N-G...Oh!

Although it wasn't my first Bingo night experience at this hipster hangout in Humboldt Park (that masquerades as a seedy dive bar), it was my first win. The Monday night Bingo racket draws an unusually large number of clean-cut Chicago Public School teachers (including the friend who invited me) in addition to the usual hipsters that frequent the joint (a moody, oddly dressed bunch, identifiable largely by their distinct [albeit androgynous] hair and clothing styles); it's a strange mix.

There's no cover charge, and no fee for the Bingo cards. The callers share a name (it's something common, like Dave or Jim) and infuse some improvisation and off-color jokes into their Bingo calling shtick, turning an activity that is traditionally geared toward a more geriatric crowd into something of a sketch comedy routine. Gone are the ink-filled daubers of old, and instead of troll dolls, PBR cans line the tables above players' Bingo cards.

Because no money changes hands, there is no monetary prize for the winners. To compensate, the Daves (or whoever) have gotten a little more ... umm ... creative with their prize packages. My friend proudly displays a coloring book page on his fridge that he won earlier in the year--it's some Disney prince with a generously sized phallus added to his person in an otherwise G-rated scene-- and the page is autographed by one of the Daves. Other prizes I've seen include: little plastic army guys, a half-completed Sunday crossword, noise makers, and other random junk. I'm not a hipster myself, so maybe I just don't get the humor, but it was all in good fun, or so it seemed.

It was the last game of the night, a round of "Hippie Bingo" (the only spaces in play were "B" and "O") and I found myself caught up in the middle of a three-way win. As is customary for all their winners, I had to come up on "stage" and answer a few random questions. Since there were three of us, they thought it would be a great idea to subject us to a "dance off" a la Soul Train, to determine who would get their "grand prize" for the evening. Feeling like an idiot, but agreeing to play along, I shimmied my way across the stage. They must have liked my impromptu dance moves, because they deemed me the winner!

What did I win, you ask? Well, it's pictured above. They gave me a bourbon-soaked copy of Alcoholic's Anonymous. Again, I don't quite get hipsters, but I really think it crossed that fine line between offbeat humor and plain old bad taste. I smiled wanly as they continued their little show, and returned to sit with my friend at the bar, who was beaming about the attention the Daves had lavished upon me. I left that night scratching my head; why would anyone find that funny? Ironic, sure, but inappropriate nonetheless. It went directly into the Goodwill pile.

So hipsters, I've decided that you can keep your Bingo-calling Daves and your phallic coloring-book pages and your cheap, nasty beer in a can. If and when I do play Bingo, I'll take the troll dolls and superstitious blue-haired ladies over tasteless humor any day. And should I have to drink PBR again, I'd prefer it in a bottle, thank you very much.

Grammar Mulligans

I can't stop thinking about a segment that my radio crush, WGN's John Williams, did a couple of weeks ago on his (now 9:00-12:00) show. He was talking about grammar, which caught my attention right away. Williams was arguing that, while most people should know more grammar rules than they do, everyone should be able to have just one mulligan (that's a golf term... it basically means a "do-over" or a free pass) when it comes to a certain word use or sentence structure that they just can't seem to grasp, no matter how hard they try.

Williams and some of the other on-air personalities went on to deliberate whether anybody should be allowed to waste their mulligan on the grammatical difference between words like to/too/two or there/their/they're, because everyone should know that. I think it was decided that, if that's your one big hang-up, then it's admissible. When he opened up the phone lines, he posed two questions to listeners (and I paraphrase): "what other grammar faux pas doyou think should not be allowed, even with a mulligan?", and, "what is your mulligan?". I immediately began trying to call in. As I continued to hit redial, he explained that his mulligan would be (understandably) used on affect vs. effect, arguing that he can never remember which word to use in which situation, and not to bother calling in to correct him on this, because he still wouldn't get it. [For all intensive purposes, King John, affect is a verb, and effect is a noun, but I promise not to tell you that!]

I finally got through, and was placed on hold. For me, the grammatical error that shouldn't be covered under any mulligan, one of my personal pet peeves, is the plural vs. possessive rule. And for anyone who doesn't know what that means, it means that adding an "s" to a word does not automatically require an apostrophe be added as well. The apostrophe is used to show possession, and not a number greater than one: "Taco's car had three wheels" is grammatically correct; "Three taco's for $1.00" is not. I had a whole slew of others, such as ending sentences with a preposition (at), but didn't want my radio crush to think I was a total word nerd (even though I am)!

But what would my mulligan be? Although I know more grammar than the average listener, I was impressed by the mulligan ideas that other callers had come up with. John Williams' listeners (and yes, I meant that to be possessive!) are an intelligent bunch; apparently, I'm in good company! I can't remember the exact examples, but I agreed wholeheartedly with the listeners who wanted a pass on things like capital vs. capitol, principal vs. principle, and compliment vs. complement. I grimaced on the toward vs. towards (as towards isn't a word), but because it's misused so often, I can see how that would be confusing. I don't have enough problems with these words to warrant a mulligan, though, so I kept thinking.

Suddenly, it dawned on me: I would use my mulligan on nauseous vs. nauseated! I can't for the life of me remember which word to use when, but I do know that the word nauseous is misused with astounding frequency! I was so pleased with myself, thinking my radio crush would find me witty and clever, and that a lively banter would ensue.

I was listening so actively to the witty, clever, and lively banter between Williams and the caller before me-- who admitted that she used an online dating service and couldn't bring herself to reply to men who had typos, misspellings, and grammatical errors in their profiles (that would be a deal breaker for me, too!)-- that I lost track of time. So I was crestfallen when I got disconnected right after she hung up; they were running late for the news.

Hopefully, I'll have better luck the next time I feel compelled to weigh in on some funny and irreverent conversation between Williams and his loyal listeners... but in the mean time, what's your mulligan? Is there a word, a spelling, or a phrase that baffles you? I'd be curious to hear it, and-- as long as it's not on the plural vs. possessive-- I promise I won't judge!

p.s. I would personally like to thank one of the SCHOOLS where I teach for the sign pictured above.