The Mutant Santa Brigade

I enjoy Christmas decorations, I really do. I'm not wild about the decorating part, but once they're up, I find the decor to be quite enjoyable. However, while I was in high school, I began to notice a disturbing trend among the Santa Claus ornaments and figurines that adorned our house. These aren't just your run-of-the-mill Santas... many of them are missing appendages, and some are in compromising positions. Some of them creep me out, while others just cause me to scratch my head. The collection has grown considerably over the years, and I am amazed that there is actually a market for mutant Santa Clauses out there. I'd like to introduce you to a few of these St. Nicks, and let you form your own opinions about them. Above we have the cheer leading (nutcracker?) Santas, and pictured below, from left to right, we have:

1. Leprechaun Claus ... he's clearly got his holidays mixed up ... what do you suppose he's packing in that shamrock bag of his?

2.Two-faced Santa ... It's no wonder the guy's omniscient-- he's got more than just eyes in the back of his head, he's got a whole other face!

3. Crossing-Guard, Dunce-Cap Santa (a.k.a. Jingle Crotch the Second. Alas, the original Jingle Crotch now resides in Kansas City, so he's not pictured here...)

4. The Willy Wonka-fied Santa ... Somebody turned the poor sap into a conglomerate of peppermints! And where are his arms?!?
5. No-Neck, Windmill-Arms, Astrology Santa ... This is one of those head scratchers ... I'm just not sure what to make of him! Ho-Ho-Huh?
6. And I don't really know what to call this guy ... Nazi Claus seems a bit too harsh. But it looks like he escaped a from craft fair and immediately joined the North Korean Army. Weird.




7. En-pointe, Peg-Leg Santa ... maybe it's easier for him to get down the chimney that way?
8. Red Riding Hood Santa and his Mini-me. And those toes-- gross! Why toes?!? Can't these guys have some arms or something instead? And forget about being pear shaped ... these two are square shaped!
9. Not sure if this is a Santa or not, or just a twisted, frosty icicle with a moustache and a fuzzy red hat (and two eyes made out of coal ...)

And last, but not least, we have the newest member of this macabre menagerie... the Go-Go-Gadget-Legs Albino Claus! (Scroll down to see where those gams finally end.) This one's got all of his appendages, though, so at least he's got that going for him...

So there you have it, folks. The mutant Santa brigade. What do you think ... are these guys cool or creepy? If you do like them for some reason, just don't come asking me where to find a mutant Santa of your own-- I wouldn't even know where to begin looking for something like this, nor would I want to!

Merry belated Christmas!

Do You See What I See?

When it comes to those oft-overlooked, longtime Tree House residents, I've often wondered: If everyone could "see what I see" in them, would all of these great cats have been snatched up long ago? Well, I was inspired by a carol I recently performed (the title of which poses the same question), and in the spirit of the season I have decided to share some of my insider's knowledge in verse form. I hope that by setting this information to the lyrics of a familiar and catchy tune, people will remember some of the great qualities these cats possess the next (or first!) time they meet. Should you be lucky enough to cross paths with any of these felines, I would love to know:

Do you see what I see?

Says the counselor, "It's a holiday miracle!"

Do you see what I see?

Big King Friday is no longer a feral!

Do you see what I see?

Suddenly, on our attention he insists,

"Pet me Please!" he says, and how can we resist?

To catch him up on all the cuddling he's missed!

Says the volunteer who knows why Wanda squeaks,

Do you hear what I hear?

That patch tabby who chirps instead of speaks,

Do you hear what I hear?

Yes, I know, she is awkward and quirky,

Although even when she shies away from me,

She's still craving attention, desperately.

Says one gal who helped to socialize Mookey,

Do you know what I know?

The sweet old girl curled up in a cat tree,

Do you know what I know?

She was quite shy, and still is not real bold,

But she loves pets (and brushing, so I'm told!)

Scratch her head and watch her sweet nature unfold.

Then says Janus to adopters everywhere,

Listen to what I say!

I'm a great big tom with energy to spare,

Listen to what I say!

I love people, though I don't realize my might,

But my purr is much stronger than my bite...

Take me home and everything will be alright!

However, these brief verses barely scratch the surface (no pun intended!) of the wealth of information that my fellow volunteers and Tree House staff members have about these cats. I didn't want to rattle on too long (though it would be easy to do!) about all the great cats I know, but I invite you to pass this info along to anyone who's looking for a feline companion, and feel free to add a verse or two of your own. Happy holidays!

*Written as a contribution to The Scratching Post*

The Three Tenors

I play in a number of holiday concerts this time of year, and for the past three or four years, my holiday gigs have included two sing-a-long Messiah concerts at two different churches. Even though these performances only happen once a year, there are familiar faces and memorable personalities at each locale. I am most impressed with the tenors that I've encountered at these concerts, which is surprising to me, because I'm generally not a tenor kind of girl. I don't have anything against them, but they tend to come across to me as being guy sopranos, or the divas of the male vocal world. It's just not my thing.

That said, the first stop in my holiday concert cycle is at a beautiful old church down by Soldier Field. The fact that the Bears are always in town the week that we perform there makes the parking situation nightmarish, to say the least, but the atmosphere inside the church is much warmer. Now, for those of you who aren't familiar with sing-a-long Messiahs, they are performances for churches and organizations on a shoestring budget. They hire a bare-bones orchestra and vocal soloists. The audience assumes the part of the choir.

I'm not sure whose bright idea this was, as the four-part harmonies in the choruses are hard-- I'm a musician and I struggle with the vocal parts; I couldn't imagine trying to sing it as a non-musician! People seem to have a blast doing it, but soprano (melody) parts always seem to outweigh the lower (harmony) parts. Not at this church, though; these two little old ladies--dressed to the nines and cute as can be-- sit in the front row of the tenor section and whale. They know those parts by heart, every last note. And since the rest of the tenor section has a strong lead to follow, they're usually able to keep up better than most of the other audience choruses I've heard in these do-it-yourself numbers. I look forward to seeing them every year; just thinking about them bellowing "King of Kings..." makes me smile!

The following week I play an identical performance at a gorgeous, historical church in the near west suburbs. The format of this concert differs slightly, though, in that there is an "intermission" of sorts as the pastor talks about the many services the church provides for the homeless, and a free-will offering is taken. Instead of doing this offering during the Pastoral Symphony (the instrumental interlude mid-way through the performance) like most churches do, they instead have the tenor soloist sing a hymn with organ accompaniment. And let me tell you, this guy is good. He's sung "O, Holy Night" for the past two years, and when he first opened his mouth, I didn't know whether I was going to wet myself, cry, or both. Thankfully, I did neither. I did turn to my stand partner, though, and mouthed, "Oh, holy CRAP!" It was all I could muster at the time.

I remember looking the tenor up on Facebook after the concert last year and being amazed that he was just a graduate student; it's extremely rare to hear a voice so rich come from a performer so young. The clarity, resonance, and emotion he infuses into each and every phrase is astounding. This year, as he gave a repeat performance (for which he got a standing ovation-- in the middle of the service-- might I add), I turned to my stand partner once again, and asked, "can I keep him?" "Go introduce yourself this time!" she hissed. "I can't!" I lamented, "we still have to play Part the Second!" Since we didn't do any of the tenor arias on the second half of the concert, he slipped out after his offertory solo. Drats.

If we're both back for a repeat performance next December, though, I think I will introduce myself. I'm not looking to rob the cradle or anything, but it's so rare to hear such impressive musicality in such an unlikely place. It's a real treat, in fact. I don't want to turn the guy into a male diva or anything, but I would like to tell him that his voice is the highlight of my Christmas-gigging season! Hopefully, I won't be starstruck, or get all flustered and tongue-tied, or start giggling like a school girl... but I won't know unless I try!