The Oprah Show (8/31/05)

After nearly two years of trying, my old roommate finally got tickets to a taping of the Oprah show. The day of the taping, we took the green line el to the station closest to Harpo studios, which turned out not to be all that close. Our carefully applied makeup had all but melted off by the time we finally met up with my roommate's other guests, about 9:30 that morning. We waited in line outside the studio for more than an hour, and when they finally let us inside, they promptly raided our purses of cell phones, pens, and mascara, but in turn fed us lunch (which turned out to be the highlight of the day!). We were corralled into a large waiting room full of crazed middle-aged women in brightly colored tops, and were held there for the next 2 1/2 hours, listening to and watching a video montage of her first twenty years, which looped indefinitely.

Oprah's infinitely helpful staff got on the intercom every 10 minutes or so and told us that if we didn't pee that instant, then we wouldn't be able to use the bathroom again until after the taping. They were very convincing in giving people a false sense of urgency on the matter-- I think I made eight trips to the bathroom in a couple hours' time. The staff also worked the already crazed ladies up into an absolute frenzy, by telling us that this was the first day of taping on Oprah's brand-new twentieth-anniversary stage set, and that we were especially lucky because we had the good fortune of sitting in on TWO tapings! Women were crying, fainting, throwing up in the bathroom and refusing to eat their lunch because they were so nervous/excited/delusional about getting to see Oprah! Even my roommate and I thought that it greatly improved our chances of being at least one fun show-- maybe two! My roommate was hoping for some free stuff, while I would have liked to see Oprah's cute designer guy or a crazy makeover show, or something of the sort.

We snagged pretty good seats once we finally got into the studio, and while we waited for the queen of day-time television to grace us with her presence, the staff made us rehearse our reactions to her syndicated highness. For example: "I'm Oprah.... I'm walking...."; we cheered wildly. "I'm Oprah.... I just said something funny...."; we laughed maniacally. "I'm Oprah... I just said something shocking...." we gasped loudly, feigning wide-eyed horror. It went on and on; people were into it, though! You know how the show opens with a shot of the audience flipping out the moment Oprah enters the room? Yeah, that's real. One lady even asked if she would have the chance to show Oprah her lovely jean jacket, which had an Oprah acrostic (where each letter of a person's name is used as the first letter of another word) hand appliqued on the back. The staff member remained surprisingly straight-faced, and suggested she wait until the "After the Show" taping, which thankfully, never happened.

The first show we saw was a follow-up on post-partum depression. Brooke Shields was the special guest, and while I suppose it was exciting to see a celebrity, the show itself was kind of a downer. Oprah actually seemed a little accusatory of Brooke's criticism of Tom Crazy (I mean Cruise), despite his criticism of her decision to take anti-depressants for her illness. I was a little uncomfortable with the whole situation, but we had really high hopes for the second taping, which turned out to be about.... Pedophiles, and other sexual predators. It was horrible. One section of the audience had been molested as children, and another section fantasized about putting their babies in the dryer.

People were bawling, Oprah was crabby and yelling at her stage crew; they switched couches probably a half-dozen times before they settled on a furniture set that was suitable to use. The only free stuff we got was Kleenex. It was still cool to see a live taping, but by the time we finally got out of there (after 4:00), all I wanted to do was to curl up in a ball somewhere and never leave the house again. We got stuck in the rush-hour commute on the way back as well, and by the time we finally got home, we were exhausted.

The only upside to the day is that Oprah often chooses her "Favorite Things" audience from guests who attended one of the first tapings each season. Keep your fingers crossed for me! I'm fully expecting a phone call from one of Oprah's people this fall, saying "we realized that those tapings we made you sit through in August were really tough to watch, and we'd like to invite you back to see a show that's a little more fun. Oh, and by the way-- if you have to pee, you'd better go now, because you won't be able to once you're in the studio!"


[I did not get invited to the "Favorite Things" show, and to this day, I can't watch Oprah without making a trip to the bathroom. I'm sure she'd be thrilled to know that her show has such a powerful (or is it Pavlovian?) effect on me....]