Potato Mashing FAIL

I don't know what it is about mashing potatoes that is so difficult for me, but I've managed to fail at yet another attempt to recreate this creamy, buttery, All-American comfort food. My troubles with mashed potatoes began back in grad school. Potatoes were cheap, so I ate them frequently. Feeling adventurous, I attempted a basic variation of this dietary staple, using the only tool I had available at the time; an old-fashioned hand mixer. I stuck it in the pot of freshly boiled potatoes, watery milk, and oily margarine, and turned the hand crank. With a "ca-CHUNK", I managed to shoot potato bits all over my gloomy afterthought of a kitchen, leaving little but a milky, buttery gruel in my garage-sale sauce pan.

Fast forward ten years. I have a bright, spacious kitchen, decent culinary skills, full-sized appliances, brand-name pots and pans, and more kitchen gadgets than I know what to do with. Among those gadgets is a bonafide potato masher. It is made by a reputable American company, and this specialized utensil's only purpose is to-- as the name implies-- mash potatoes. So I boiled up a pot of locally grown, farm share potatoes, added fresh cream and pure, unsalted butter, and began to mash.

As I mashed, I noticed with horror that the potatoes weren't blending at all, but rather, aerating--squeezing up through the holes of the specialized gadget in an oddly disturbing shape. Was I making potato worms? No... it was more like... aerated potato turds.

A true Midwestern girl, I like my potatoes any way you slice 'em. Except for, apparently, in turd form. So I quickly abandoned the masher and-- before I had a chance to dwell too much on the sight and gross myself out-- took a fork to the mess. I'll be sticking to baked potatoes from now on, so if any of you are looking for a handy-dandy potato aerator, stay tuned, as it will be available soon in a central-Illinois garage sale near you!